An insight before reading the following: I wrote this 2 months ago, and I saved it to my drafts. I saved it to later pretty it up when I had the time. I’ve been all over the place and I have not written besides 1 other post, also saved in my drafts.I have been avoiding writing about my feelings like I have been avoiding the reality of living with infertility. But, today, I am pushing this out into the world. Not as an organized piece, but as a raw reflection of the downs I have had with infertility.
So, I’m not going to lie, the past few days, I have been losing a little bit of faith. This is going to be all over the place, but I need to clear my head and get this off my chest. I just want to know WHY ME. Why. And I ask myself over and over. I pray for understanding and that God does something that moves me. I have been doing endless research on DOR, DOR treatments, success stories, and I have found a lot of what I am NOT looking for. I don’t want to read that 95% of pregnancies of untreated DOR patients will end in miscarriage; I don’t want to read that it is the number 1 cause for miscarriages out of all infertility diagnosis’, or that many woman with DOR have to use donor eggs. (And don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with using donor eggs, my heart just has a rough time wrapping around not having a biological baby) I am saying that my heart breaks for each and every one of us that has this condition or any infertility diagnosis and this is what turns up in our searches. We are discouraged and disheartened every day when we click search. I am hopeful, and I pray that I will get my happy ending, but I also want to be realistic, and my searches bring up a lot of bad news. I know each and every person / case is different, but I can’t help but feel totally let down. My heart really is broken. Today, I read that a baby was found with his umbilical cord still attached to him, in a stroller at a park in LA. I can’t even explain how upset it made me. There are us women, women who would/will be GREAT mothers that are struggling to find the answer to their story, shedding an unimaginable amount of tears, spending insane amounts of money, having to sell precious items to afford treatments, losing themselves in a struggle that really can’t be described, who would give anything and everything for the miracle of being a mother to God’s most precious gift, a baby. I can’t fathom how many hearts are breaking every day due to infertility. They say your heart can only be broken by love, well I call bullshit. They are WRONG. I’m in love with an incredible man, but my heart still breaks every day for my unknown future. I am usually pretty positive, but man…the last few days have just been a rut for me.